I should have known how this afternoon would unfold as soon as I arrived at Barry Harbor. Any sea-faring vessel called Titanic is most likely doomed just on principal; the Universe doesn’t care if someone’s painted the word Tiny in front of it.

“That’s a big boat,” I mumbled to myself, taking it in. Tiny Titanic looked nothing like its namesake, mainly because it was a 21^st-century yacht and not a passenger ship from 1914. Global warming had largely taken care of any threat of icebergs, but I was still uneasy. I’m not a fan of sailing; nowhere to escape when you’re completely surrounded by water. Which is probably why Samantha planned it this way…

For whatever reason, my sister-in-law, Samantha, had made it her life’s purpose to get me hitched.

“Doug Daly, you do women an injustice by staying single,” she told me. “Go forth, and share your sexiness with the world!”

Those may not have been her exact words, but she did tell me I was ‘Daddy material,’ so I think you get the gist. Despite repeatedly insisting that I am neither ready to be a father nor a ‘Daddy,’ Samantha followed her own agenda and set me up on a blind date. So, here I was, standing at Barry Harbor, because my sister-in-law is relentless and I am a pushover.

A beautiful blond woman waved excitedly from the deck, calling my name. I assumed correctly that it was Bethany, Samantha’s latest candidate. She looked like a Marilyn Monroe impersonator, bleached curls, a slim waist and huge…lips. I waved back with a forced smile.

“Yer treading dangerous waters, boarding that girl,” a gruff voice said from behind me. I spun around to see an old sailor. Gray scruff covered his tanned face and he wore a sun-bleached skipper’s cap.

“O-oh, I’m not planning on boarding any girls, sir,” I replied, panicked. “I’ll be on my best behavior.” I raised two fingers to my head in salute.

“The capt’n brought her in from the bay, plans on headin’ up river,” he continued, ignoring me as he stared up at Tiny Titanic. “Tried tellin’ ‘im the bed’s too shallow; keel’s gonna drag.” He turned to face me. “If yer capt’n don’t mind the river, yeh might end up takin’ a dip.”

With a toothy grin, he headed back toward his small fishing boat.

I turned back to the yacht, looking it over. A mysterious seaman just warned me not to board a boat named after the Titanic – was it too late to cancel the date? I reached into my pocket and pulled out a large gold coin.

“Heads I bail…” I said, flipping it in the air. I caught the coin and slapped it on the back of my hand. “Dammit…”

I had a sinking feeling about this.

---

The date was going about as well as I expected, so not great. Bethany was…friendly. Her Marylin impersonation made a hard stop at her drawn-on mole and I honestly couldn’t tell you if that was a relief or a disappointment.

She laughed at all of my jokes, which is always nice, but even I could tell she was laying it on a bit thick. She was very vocally impressed with my physique. Apparently, she had expected a “Dad Bod”. I wasn’t sure what that meant, but I was beginning to question whether I was being complimented or falling victim to some twisted Electra Complex.

Her hands seemed capable of only holding her champagne glass and sliding up my thigh. We were halfway through the all-inclusive-charter charcuterie when she explicitly told me how much she loved “big meat”; which was, you know, not at all subtle.

There are plenty of reasons why I’ve taken a prolonged break from dating; the fact that women like Bethany terrify me, is just one of them. Eventually, I excused myself to go hide shamelessly in the cabin. It was smooth sailing from there; until Bethany started getting friendly with Captain Richards.

The cabin was nice and lightly furnished, so it didn’t take long to snoop around. I gave the bed a wide birth, just in case Bethany found me and got the wrong idea, then settled in an armchair near a porthole. I fished my gold coin out of my pocket and lifted it to eye-level.

“You know,” I said to the eagle printed on the coin, “you don’t give the best advice. I’m starting to doubt whether you’re even lucky…”

Then the yacht jolted violently, throwing me and my unlucky coin to the cabin floor. An ear-splitting screech echoed through the room before Tiny Titanic let out a satisfied groan and settled into the riverbed.

I pushed myself up onto my elbows and that damned eagle stared back at me. Fairly confident that my earlier statement had just been validated, but more terrified that the Powers-That-Be were trying to prove some sort of point, I pocketed the coin once more. Then, lifting myself from where I fell, I lunged for the doorway, staggering against the steep pitch of the yacht as I sprinted toward the stairs. When my foot sloshed against wet carpet, I stopped. At the end of the hall, I could see water seeping from a gash in the wall. That couldn’t be good.

I took the stairs two at a time and found Bethany and Captain Richards looking disheveled and interrupted.

“What was that! A tiny iceberg?”

“No need to panic,” Richards said, tucking his shirt into unbuttoned pants. “It seems we’ve run aground. We’ll just need a tow. I’ve already radioed an SOS.”

Sirens were sounding everywhere.

“The carpet’s soaked below deck,” I told him.

“Mmm, I know,” Bethany bit her lip, cozying up to Captain Richards.

The captain blanched. “There’s water?”

Before I could respond, the bosun came running. “Damage to the hull! We’re taking on water in the bilge!”

Adrenalin hits everyone differently. Captain Richards jumped into action, doing his job instead of my date; Bethany’s blood seemed to rush somewhere other than her brain; and I entered full flight-mode.

While the crew tried to reach the tender boat, I searched for the shore. How long until help arrived? Tiny Titanic was sinking and I wasn’t a strong swimmer; I’d never make it out of the water alive!

“I have bad news,” Captain Richards said, when he returned. “The tender was damaged in the snag. We’ll have to wait for help.”

Bethany gripped my arm with something not resembling fear. “Oh, Doug, isn’t there something you can do!” She pressed her hips against mine.

I gasped, and pushed away from her, but it wasn’t because of her untimely attempt at seduction. I had noticed something just over her shoulder. “There’s another boat!”

Maybe it was the fear of dying with Bethany and Richards in a weird threesome, but whatever the cause, hysteria hit me hard.

As soon as I saw the small rowboat in the distance, slowly paddling its way toward us, I ran to the rail like a madman and, without a second thought, threw myself into the water.

I swam as best I could until I reached the rowboat. The old sailor smiled down at me.

“I warned yeh’d be treading dangerous waters!”

“I don’t wanna be treading any water!” I sputtered, splashing.

The sailor laughed as he gripped my shirt and hauled me into the boat. He changed course, heading toward the old fishing boat in the distance as I settled on the bench. I doubled over, resting my elbows on my knees as I tried to catch my breath.

You know that saying, out of the frying pan, into the fire?

I watched the water pool around my feet.

“Now, I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure the water’s supposed to be on the outside of the boat.”

The sailor’s smile brimmed with ill-placed humor. “Yeh learnt that from experience, skipper?” he asked, his body rocking with each pull of the oars.

The water was seeping into my shoes, not that it mattered; I was already soaked from my impromptu swim. I pulled my shoes off, then yanked at my socks, letting them fall to the bottom boards with a splash. The old sailor laughed.

A small bucket bobbed up to me, bumping against my foot in the flooded boat’s bottom.

I reached back into my pocket and pulled out the gold coin. “Heads I bail…” I said, flipping the coin. With a sigh, I reached down for the bucket and began emptying the water from the boat’s hull, as the old sailor leisurely whistled a shanty.

Many lessons had been learned. One, don’t put too much faith in a lucky coin. Two, never let your sister-in-law set you up on a blind date. The old sailor’s shanty turned into something resembling “My Heart Will Go On.” And three, never board a boat named after the Titanic when looking for love.